Thranduil Fading Seasons
by hippydeath
Summary: In which Lithraniel makes her choice to leave the Greenwood, and her reasons for doing so.


**_Disclaimer:_** I don't own Thranduil or Legolas, or Middle Earth, they belong to Tolkien. I do own Lithraniel and Aniolad, although if anyone wants Aniolad he's yours!   
I apologise for pulling a slight Celebrian here. I also do not claim to know anything about post-natal depression, nor parenting.   
This is one of the longer parts of this tale, and has been split into two.   
I guess that this is to anyone who has lost a parent before their time, and dedicated to my mum, who encouraged me to write.   


**Fading Seasons**

  


I can only hold her as she cries, watch her as she paces the rooms we have shared for such a short time. Each time I ask her what is wrong, she bursts into tears once more, her once bright eyes now only shine with tears, and are framed by dark skin from where she doesn't sleep. These last two years she has been well, nearly recovered from the birth of Legolas and the melancholy that held over her those first few months after his birth.   
  
She has faded from me, faded as a leaf does in the twilight of its existence. She rarely laughs, and has only attended festivals out of necessity, and no longer does her dancing delight those gathered in the halls.   
  
"Ada," I look down to our son, nestled in my lap with his eyes bleary from sleep, as we sit in our chambers. "Why does naneth cry? Does she not love us anymore?" "No, she will always love us, but many things trouble her mind. Go back to sleep." I never know what to tell him. He is so astute for his age, and should not have to deal with these troubles. I wish I could ease her pain, and ease his worry, but I cannot, and so I can only give her my support and enjoy those times when she is as she used to be.   
  


********

  
  
"What ails you my love?" She was sitting in our room, crunched into a corner tears streaming down her face. When she finally turned to look at me, there was so much anguish and disappointment in her face.   
"Why do I feel this? This inadequacy?" she finally managed to blurt out. "I see other mothers with their children and I can never be like them. I can never love our son like they love their children." She choked back another sob as I knelt beside her and enfolded her thin form in my arms. "Everything should have been perfect when Legolas was born, but things are so wrong and they're all my fault." Her words failed her as she started to cry again, and I pulled her closer, trying to calm her down.   
"It's alright. You do love Legolas; I remember the joy on your face when you first held him. Every parent is different, and it takes time to adjust to being one." Gently, so as not to startle her, I lifted her and carried her to the bed. She clung to me like a terrified animal as I sat down, and continued talking. "Things will be right again, nothing has ever been your fault. I promise, everything has been so perfect." Her sobs slowly faded again, and she drifted into a restless sleep.   
  


********

  
  
Things were somewhat calmer. Lithraniel slowly started feeling more herself at for a while, and started spending more time with Legolas. She was always very jumpy when with him, as if a wrong move would harm him, and though she always tried to hide her fears and nervousness, he was far more perceptive than either of us realised, and his young mind constantly worried.   
  


********

  
  
I was speaking with Aniolad when she came to speak to me. She was the epitome of courteousness as she politely asked him to leave, and ignored the vindictive glare he gave the two of us as he haughtily gathered up his papers and left.   
She smiled at me, but it was a sad and wearied smile, and my heart sank as she sat down on the couch in the room and placed a timid hand on my arm.   
Tears welled up in her eyes as she told me her decision. She wished to leave for the West, to sail to the Undying lands to seek peace in her heart.   
She explained everything so clearly and eloquently; I could hardly believe that what she was saying was such a personal thing. It sounded more like a request to my councillors.   
Her heart no longer cared for her life here in the Greenwood, and though she loved Legolas and myself no less, she could find no peace since his birth, and wished to regain her former composure and life lest something befall her in her misery.   
My heart said to argue with her, yet deep down I knew what she said was true, and the best thing for her. The life was gone from her eyes, and nothing held the joy it once had done for her. Many of her kin were leaving, or already had done, and so with a crushed heart I agreed that this would be the best course of action.   
I knew I would see her again. The call of the sea was strong, and I knew that one day I would no longer be able to resist it. This kept me going, and my dear beloved son.   
We agreed to wait until after the celebrations for Legolas' begetting day to break the news to him. No child could take the news that their parent was leaving, and to understand that she still loved him would be painful to explain.   
  


********

  
  
The celebration of Legolas' conception was a quiet affair. Lithraniel had sunk into a melancholy weeks before, and although she was somewhat better than she had been; she was still teary and irritable. Legolas was somewhat disappointed at this lack of celebrations, but was appeased, like most young children with large amounts of sweet pastries, and the promise of being allowed to go on night guard duty, he was appeased with the minimum of pouting.   
  


********

  
  
"Nana, come play with me and Ada." Begged Legolas, tugging on his Lithraniels sleeve.   
She rubbed her brow. "Not now Legolas, I am busy." She tried to return to her book, but the Elfling was persistent, and tugged on her sleeve again.   
"Please nana." He looked up at her with wide, pleading eyes.   
Unfortunately, his pleas had the wrong effect on Lithraniel. She closed her eyes, trying to will away the headache, which was forming, and tried to control her temper. Another tug on her sleeve, and she snapped.   
"Not now Legolas." Her tone was harsher than she had intended it to be, and the young child shrank back, tears welling in his eyes.   
In a flash he was gone from the room, his mother realising her mistake too late and calling after him into an empty corridor.   
"Legolas! Legolas I'm sorry." She peered out the study door, letting out a quiet sob as she realised he was long gone.   
She returned to her over stuffed chair and sank into it, tears flowing with the apologies to her son and resentments towards herself.   
That was how I found her, nearly an hour later, still sobbing, and mumbling apologies. I had found Legolas a while earlier, trying to sneak into one of the cellars, a place which had become a favoured hiding place of his.   
After some cajoling and an apple tart from the kitchens, I had persuaded him to tell me what had happened. It had taken some time, and a lot of explanations to persuade him that his mother did still love him, and now he was standing outside the study, peering nervously outside, his beloved rag doll clutched in his hands.   
  


********

  
  
I knelt beside her, placing a hand on her cheek. She looked up at me with tear-stained eyes and tried to apologise. I cut her off, placing a finger against her lips, and motioned to Legolas, who slowly came out from behind the door, and into the room.   
Lithraniel saw the movement at the door, and froze for a moment. Slowly she held out her hand in a peace offering. Legolas jammed his thumb in his mouth, and slowly crept forwards, eventually hiding behind me, only his head poking out from behind my back.   
"I'm sorry for pestering you nana." He mumbled, the words only half coming out. It didn't seem to matter though, as Lithraniel started crying and smiling at the same time.   
"So am I Legolas. You have no reason to apologise." She held out her hand once more, and after wiping his hand on his tunic, he took it, and climbed into her lap.   
The sight of the two of them, happy together bought tears to my eyes. Not since his birth had Legolas had a proper hug from his mother, and had I been able to freeze a moment in time, I would have done so now.   
She looked briefly over his shoulder at me, a smile on her face, despite the resigned look in her eyes and I knew what she intended to do. There was nothing I could do to stop her, so nodded slowly as she shifted Legolas further back on her lap.   
"Legolas, your Ada and I have something we need to tell you. You have to understand that what is going to happen will happen for the best, and no matter what happens, or what anyone says, we love you, and always will do. Do you understand that?"   
Legolas looked scared as I moved round to be perched on the arm of the chair, and hugged his doll tighter as he nodded.   
She opened her mouth as if to speak, and then shut it again, unsure of what to say. I put my hand on her shoulder, and after a while, she continued. "I know this is hard, but I can't stay here any longer. I'm going to leave, like Vathiel*, I'm going to the West, and you will see me again, but you have to be strong until then." The tears were falling in all our eyes now, and Legolas was sobbing.   
"Nana don't go. I'm sorry. Please don't go." He latched onto her with all his strength and sobbed into her shoulder. She wrapped her arms round him, trying to soothe him.   
"I'm not going yet. A few more months, after the Yule festival. You will see me again, and I'll be proud of you and thinking of you until that day. Don't cry little one." She hugged him tighter for a while, and eventually he pulled away.   
"You still love me and Ada? Then why are you going?" puzzlement filled his eyes.   
"Sometimes we have to do things that hurt us, or other people even when we don't want to. It hurts me to leave you both but it hurts more to stay here. I have to leave and I can't explain it any more than that."   
Legolas looked at the two of us in the most studious manner a ten year old can achieve. He then looked down and pulled at the threads on his doll. "But I can still go help the guards tomorrow night?" he asked as if that was all that mattered.   
The two of us broke into laughter, we couldn't help it. Lithraniel once more hugged him, and I in turn hugged both of them.   
"Of course you can. But only if you eat your greens and go to bed when you're told to tonight." Lithraniel said, a light tone to her voice that I hadn't heard in years.   
  


********

  
  
And so that was how my beloved wife succumbed to the fading seasons of life, and chose to make her life once more in the West. That Legolas was happy was all that mattered for the next few months, until the fateful day on which our journey to the Havens started.   
  


********

  
  
_*Vathiel - I'm making her Lithraniels aunt, who has already left Mirkwood.   
I'm hoping that this wasn't too depressing, but it's taken me nearly a month to write. The next part is almost done, so please, review!_


End file.
